


Ablaze

by cafespjw (orphan_account)



Category: ASTRO (Band)
Genre: Angst, Heavy Angst, Homophobia, Hurt/Comfort, Internalized Homophobia, M/M, Unrequited Love, i made everyone an asshole srry abt that
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-08-15
Updated: 2018-08-15
Packaged: 2019-06-26 13:44:48
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,340
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15664383
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/cafespjw
Summary: When boys touched Dongmin, they used to set his skin on fire.





	Ablaze

**Author's Note:**

> i recently finished 'ill give you the sun', a truly amazing book and the inspiration for this mess - enjoy
> 
> Also, fair warning, this was written all in one go and is completely unedited so its probably bad lmao

 

 

 

When boys touched Dongmin, they used to set his skin on fire.

 

Blazing, hot red embers would burn through his body and send tremors down his spine. He felt the heat, the _warmth_ that wormed its way under his skin like a parasite and he _revelled_ in it. He was addicted. Addicted to the way it made him feel; to the way he would burn, outside in.

 

+

 

There's a saying about best friends and falling in love. It's like coming home, a home you've never been in, yet it's so familiar. Dongmin experienced this at the ripe age of fifteen. He walked into his home on the first day of the new school year and recognised it instantly.

 

Kang Younghoon was his home.

 

Broad and sporty, he seemed to carry the whole world on his shoulders. _So cool_ , Dongmin thought, eyeing his body hungrily. He'd bet there were abs under that shirt. Up his eyes went, and settled comfortably on his face. He looked like a new book you just brought home from the library. Clearly worn but held the same sheen as though it was just bought. His skin was fair and smooth, dotted with acne scars and small divots underneath. Soft brown irises were concealed under the clean curve of his monolid. A pretty nose, perfectly centered. Dongmin was entranced. Dongmin was in love.

 

They became fast friends. In a year their mothers knew each other so well they may as well be married to each other rather then their husbands. Dongmin would play video games, do sports, even eat with Younghoon. Every time he would touch him sparks would travel down his veins and ignite his heart. _Two peas in a pod_ , his little brother joked. Dongmin thought that if he could share a space with Younghoon a pod wouldn't be so bad.

 

Sitting on Younghoon's bed, watching a film, Dongmin couldn't stop thinking about him. Their legs were touching, knee to knee, a buzz under Dongmin's skin. Looking discreetly at Younghoon's face, his lips, Dongmin wanted to bottle this moment so he could keep it forever. He settled his head on Younghoon's shoulders and sighed. Younghoon shuffled awkwardly.

 

The separation happened too soon. Sixteen became Dongmin and Younghoon was distant. They would spend time together, where Dongmin would never get enough of his eyes and the way he seemed to fill the space endlessly, but it wasn't the same. His friends weren't Dongmin's friends anymore and Dongmin's friends weren't Younghoon's. What had happened to them? 

 

It was a stuffy summer's day when Dongmin's heart broke.

 

"You're a bit weird Dongmin." All the walls came crashing down.

 

_Heknowsheknowsheknowsheknows_. He knows that Dongmin wants to be in a pod with him, wants Younghoon to touch him - to set his skin on fire.

 

"Sorry."

 

"Whatever."

 

They never spoke after that.

 

+

 

Dongmin had read something about the stages of grief. Denial came first, then anger. It took him until seventeen to reach stage two. Until he realised what Younghoon meant, until he could finally wrench out the knife he stabbed into his gut and use it for revenge.

 

Dongmin got a girlfriend.

 

She turned his skin to ice and kissed him with blue shivering lips but Dongmin was burning from the inside - burning with anger.

 

_Traitor,_ Dongmin believed. Younghoon had betrayed him. 

 

So when Dongmin kissed Dahyun in the cafeteria, staring down Younghoon like he could burn holes in _his_ skin for once, he didn't think about how wrong it felt. How Dahyun wasn't Younghoon. How Dahyun didn't make him burn up, or set his heart alight. The only fire Dongmin could think of was the one he wished Younghoon had felt on that stuffy summer's day.

 

_"You're a bit weird Dongmin."_

 

+

 

Dongmin lost himself somehere after stage two. He covered himself in flame retardant and kissed girls until he went blind. His features fleshed out and people started calling him handsome.

 

Pretty boy. Broken boy.

 

His manager pushed him into it. He had done modelling, dabbled in the tinest bit of acting, but this was new. Like a fresh wound he walked into the fantagio building and inhaled the air. It smelt like lost dreams and crushed hope. 

 

_I'll fit right in._

 

It was boring, signing all the paperwork. For several days they would drive all the way there just to sit in a meeting and sign away Dongmin's future. Dongmin remembers wanting to be a lawyer at some point, a teacher maybe. Now he just does what everyone else tells him he's supposed to. He's supposed to join fantagio, he's supposed to become an idol, he's supposed to like girls.

 

_Where did I go?_

 

+

 

On the first day of his training Dongmin met his second home. It blew through him like a whirlwind, leaving him breathless but _finally_ , 'finally' Dongmin thought.

 

Moonbin would destroy him. Tear him apart and build him back up again - Moonbin would set him alight and watch him burn. 

 

Moonbin, Dongmin realised, wasn't a Younghoon; he didn't ooze confidence and let it trickle out of him like honey. No, Moonbin was more like Dongmin - shy shy shy. The first day they hardly spoke. He was supposed to show him the choreo, instead he pretended Dongmin didn't exist. Dongmin tried very hard to do the same, but stars kept on erupting from Moonbin's eyes and the earth seemed to shake with his every step. 

 

When he confessed, several days later, that Dongmin really _was_ handsome, and he didn't _think_ anyone could look like he did, Dongmin swore his heart leaped out of his throat. He never truly believed he was handsome, but when it came out of Moonbin's mouth he found himself looking in the mirror and repeating it like a mantra. _Handsome handsome handsome, he said I was handsome_. Warmth spread through his lungs and made home in his heart.

 

He was fucked, well and truly fucked.

 

In the span of a year they were inseparable, going to school together, training together, eating together. MoonbinandDongmin, only three letters separating them. _Binnie_ , Dongmin dubbed him, _his Binnie_.

 

Binnie's birthday was nearing and Dongmin wanted it to be special, he wanted candles and cakes - the whole lot. The other trainees weren't so enthusiastic, birthdays were constantly pushed aside by practice or the constant desire for sleep. _Not for Binnie_ , Dongmin thought, _Not for my Binnie_. He ended up buying most of it himself, Jinwoo helped - kind, warm Jinwoo - although by the end most of Dongmin's allowance was spent on party accessories. He already had a present, bought weeks in advance, Dongmin couldn't wait for Binnie to see it. He kept it in a little purple box, tied in a pretty white ribbon. It was perfect.

 

" _Surprise!_ "

 

Binnie jumped, everyone laughed, Dongmin beamed with enough light to put suns to shame. 

 

" _Who organised all this?_ "

 

" _Dongminnie hyung, it was his idea._ "

 

A warm pair of arms wrapped around his middle from where he was fussing over presents. A breath against his neck, shivers in his spine.

 

"Thankyou Minnie, this is amazing."

 

If Dongmin could bottle time, put a stopper on the seconds ticking by, he'd keep this moment forever. Binnie's lips against the nape of his neck, his chest pressed against his back, and an adoration of love disguised by a thankyou. _H_ _ome, so this is what it feels like_.

 

Dongmin gave him his present towards the end, after some of the other trainees had trickled out of the room and fallen into bed. He wanted to savour Binnie's reaction, to feel loved for a moment longer. When Binnie opened up the box his eyes sparkled with a thousand stars.

 

"I love it."

 

_I love you_.

 

The necklace went around his neck, the other half on Dongmin's. The metal was cool against his chest, but he couldn't feel it from the fire burning on his skin. A heart, severed in half, D and B engraved on the back; when brought together it would beat as one.

 

+

 

The fire of the party had been put out, only three remained in the studio. BinnieandDongmin, accompanied by Minhyuk. Dongmin tried very hard not to be jealous of Minhyuk, who knew Binnie in ways that Dongmin never would. Who knew Binnie at the age Dongmin had first fallen in love, and much before that. Music drifted lazily from the studio speakers, one of Dongmin's playlists on shuffle. The sound of a tuned out Troye Sivan song filling the space.

 

Maybe Dongmin had gotten too comfortable, riding on the bliss of the day he didn't notice his mistake, didn't see where things started to go wrong. Binnie was singing along to the lyrics, english that sounded soft around the edges.

 

Then Minhyuk just had to point it out.

 

"I heard this artist was gay."

 

Dongmin went on full alert. It wasn't even about him but he felt like a deer caught in headlights. He tried to look calm, tried to not care.

 

"Yeah, I heard that too." Binnie replied.

 

_Don't, please don't._

 

"It's a shame really, I like his music but I just can't watch the MV's" Binnie continued.

 

"Why? Minhyuk laughed.

 

_Don't say it, please._

 

"I mean, it's unnatural isn't it? I can't watch it." Moonbin's tone was light, like it didn't mean anything, because everyone thought that way. Even him, even _his Binnie_.

 

Dongmin wanted to throw up. _Unnatural_ , he had been reduced to a single word. Minhyuk continued their conversation as if Moonbin hadn't just thrust a knife in Dongmin's heart. He was bleeding out, all delusions of love dripping out of him. He couldn't stay there, he couldn't-

 

"I'm gonna go, bye."

 

He wrenched his phone out of the speakers and left silence in his wake.

 

+

 

_Stupid stupid stupid stupid_. How could he have been so stupid? How could he believe for _a second_ that he wasn't a monster. That Moonbin would see him as anything more than a friend. Tears came down like bullets, leaving ugly scars on his face. The taste of blood in his mouth. 

 

He tore through the dorm, the walls crashing down as he entered. He stormed into their room, beds lined up on the floor, each in a row. His next to Moonbin's.

 

He screamed.

 

Wrenched out of him, all the anger, the disgust, the sadness, the greif. He hated himself, for feeling this way. For believing he was deserving of love. Crouched into himself, ugly sobs racking through his body, he didn't care that he'd woken all the other trainees up. He didn't notice that Jinwoo had sent them all out. He didn't feel when Jinwoo wrapped his arms around him, cradled him as he sobbed into his shoulder.

 

Dongmin clutched his necklace, still around his neck. Letting the cold metal freeze his bones and chill his skin.

 

"I thought... Oh god, I was so stupid I thought-"

 

"What did you think Dongminnie?" Came Jinwoo's reply, whispered into his ear. Dongmin didn't answer him, just cried a little louder, a little harder.

 

Dongmin felt like he had been robbed of the stars, he put them all in Moonbin's eyes - now he wishes he had never met him at all.

 

+

 

Soohyang's lips were cold, they reminded him of Dahyun's. She was tentative, leaning in slowly, like Dongmin would destroy her with his touch. It was convincing, for the cameras. _This meant nothing_ , it would mean nothing if cameras were there or not. Soohyang was lovely, bubbly and funny she made him laugh, but she didn't set his skin on fire - not like others had done, long before her.

 

She was shy after pulling away, the director calling cut and giggling at the awkwardness. Dongmin giggled too, pretending that it meant something, that the danger of love hovered over his head and a kiss was more than just a word. He felt dirt under his skin, clogging his veins.

 

Jinwoo picked him up, _my treat_ , he said as they were dropped off at the convenience store a street away from the dorms. He was curious - how everything went - a flurry of questions spilling from his lips, his concern and adoration barely concealed in his voice. Dongmin answered in small mumbles, tiredness in his bones and dirt in his blood. 

 

A plastic bag full of sweets and Jinwoo several won shorter they started home. It was then that Jinwoo made the same mistake as Minhyuk, all those years ago.

 

"Dongmin, I think we should talk."

 

"Mm, what about?" Jinwoo stopped, pushing his mop of green hair out of his eyes and waiting for Dongmin to look at him. He didn't.

 

"It's been a while but... do you remember Binnie's birthday? Before debut."

 

Dongmin wishes he could forget.

 

"I don't know what happened that day but... we never really talked about it. I just feel like we haven't really talked at all honestly..." His sentence tapered off; Jinwoo scratched his jaw, searching for words.

 

"We talk every day." Monotone, lifeless.

 

"Yeah, but... Not properly. It's like--" He sighed, grasping for a way to make Dongmin understand.

"It's like I'm talking to Eunwoo, all the time, it's not-- It's not _you_ , it's not Dongmin."

 

Oh, Jinwoo. Poor, sweet Jinwoo. Forever caring, trying to understand. To get under Dongmin's skin and wrench out all the mud that's clogging him down. He tried to understand on that day, all those years ago. When Dongmin slammed all his doors shut and locked himself away. Covered himself in fire retardant so no one would ever burn him again. Dongmin exhaled, appearing annoyed.

 

"You're too nice Jinwoo." The dirt came out his mouth in clumps.

"People have taken advantage of you because of that, right? Maybe you should learn from that, and mind your own business." 

 

He turned away from Jinwoo's misty eyes and broken face. He closed the last door, the one he left open for the boy that held him as his heart shattered in two. Dongmin's skin was ice and his blood was made of grime.

 

He walked into the night, and blew away in the wind.

 


End file.
